Sitting On The Lap of Luxury
Well, it’s certainly been some time since this little bit of nowhere was last visited, but I have returned, recovered and am starting to get back to some semblance of organization with my life. It seems a bit of a shame that I get to dust this place off with the following thoughts, however.
I came home to discover that the bathroom was now somehow…different. Certainly it has lost its “White Room” status, but that occurred a week or so ago, when colour was once again embraced.
It took me a moment or two to figure out what exactly was new and not-necessarily-improved. Apparently our toilet was upgraded to some sort of luxury status while I was away. The short of it is: our toilet now has armrests.
From what I’ve gathered, this is meant to help any small kids or disabled people who need to use the facilities. However there are certain problems I must now face when answering the call of nature, instead of letting the machine pick it up.
The quandary lies with the whole sitting deal. For the most part, toilets are meant to be sat upon, and the appearance of these armrests has greatly complicated the whole simplistic procedure. You see, whenever I sit down upon any chair that has armrests, my first impulse is to leisurely rest my arms upon the armrests. “Now wait,” some of you might interject at this point, “that’s sounds a little silly, and all that.”
Indeed it does sound silly that I should in fact use the armrests for what they’re there for…until we get to my second impulse. You see, my second impulse is to then lean back and stretch my legs out as far as they can go (I like leg room in any situation). As you can no doubt imagine, the resulting sitting position is rather disastrous whenever a toilet is involved.
There’s a great chance for…breaking the seal, let’s call it, and that can let loose too many unpleasant things I’d rather not get into right about now, especially since I’ve just tried a new sample breakfast of Corn Flakes and chocolate soy milk, and my stomach’s already quite twitchy.
Back to the armrests, it’s probably right around here that some of you are going, “Well, if using the armrests is proving that difficult, why not simply *not* use them?”
I’ve tried that too, but without much success either. I still feel ill at ease whenever I tuck my arms close to my sides and just try to nonchalantly sit there. It almost makes me feel claustrophobic, having those armrests rising up to flank my sides. Not to mention there’s also the question of what to do with my arms at this juncture. As of late, I’ve just sort of sat there looking like some timid, two year-old kid who’s been stuck in a chair four times too big for him.
My porcelain sanctuary has been altered, and I fear that it will now leave some residual scars upon my poor psyche. Whenever I gaze upon a bathroom toilet, I don’t think I’ll ever be the same. Years down the road it may very well come to a point where, before I enter any household bathroom, I silently ask myself, “Oh no, do I have to deal with armrests again? Please no armrests this time! Oh please oh please oh please!”
Today’s Lesson: Corn Flakes and chocolate soy milk were not meant to go together. I’m guessing it’s the soy….
posted by Phillip at 6:35 AM
